Purpose. That's what I need. I don't want to go into detail (so please don't ask), but I believe that a series of events over the past couple of months have lead me to the point in life called "rock bottom" and it has caused me to lose my sense of purpose in life. You know how they say when you've hit rock bottom, the only way left to go is up? Not true. In my experience you can wander around at rock bottom for quite a while before finding your way "up". I know I'm only 19 and I have no real way of knowing if this is rock bottom, but the important thing is that if certainly feels like it in this moment. However, this is not a story about my emotional well being. This is a story about Doug. Being completely lost emotionally, I thought "what the hell? why not get physically lost too?" End destination? Katie's house. Departure time? Now. Plan? None. One wrong turn and 2 late buses later, I found myself at the train station. Doug's train station... apparently.
The platform was relatively clean. It was unsettlingly quiet and empty. Looking all around, I couldn't find a place to purchase my ticket. After a fellow traveler came along and explained to me that there was no way to buy tickets at platforms, I set about trying to buy my ticket on line. As I sat on the bench, balancing my phone, my credit card and my luggage, I heard a man yelling. "Excuse me! Excuse me! Where are you tryina' go sis?" A slightly heavy, short man, wearing black pants, and a Golden State Warriors baseball cap hurried in my direction. I considered the risk of telling this (seemingly homeless) man where I was traveling to. He must have seen the worry on my face because he assured me that he wasn't going to ask me for money or disrespect me. "I promise I'm a good guy. Ask anyone." I looked questioningly at the one other person at the station. "This guy?" said the man, "Yeah he's alright". Tired of making choices, I decided to go along with it. I told him where I was going and he informed me that my train would not come for an hour. He then proceeded to talk to me for that hour, only pausing to yell at people passing by. "My name is Doug, but everybody calls me the All Aboard Man". He explained that this train station was his, even though he didn't have an official amtrak shirt, everybody knew it. When a train pulled into the station, Doug yelled at the conductor to get off of his platform. The conductor laughed and fist bumped him. Doug returned to me and said, "See? if I was a bad guy they wouldn't let me keep doing this." Made sense to me... He spread his arms out as if to measure the length of the station. "See all this? All this is mine. I'm a rich man y'all. "There was something magical about the way Doug felt about the world. There he was, living at a train station, and he felt like the richest man on earth. "See all of these cars? Each one of em' represents a traveler. And those travelers are my travel family." Doug admitted that he knew he could do anything he wanted to. He could have gone to school, but sometimes "you just need a break. You need a break from school, from work, from sex, from drugs, from beer" (the list went on). It all made perfect sense to me. Here was Doug, taking a break from life. He was in a transitional period, making the train station a very appropriate place for him to spend his days. After all, there I was for the same reason, hoping that a train could come and take me away from my troubles. At 51 years old, Doug had no Mom, no Dad, and no kids. He mentioned a girlfriend, and sometimes he called her his wife. I wasn't sure how much of his story I could believe (there were several inconsistencies), but I decided that my job wasn't to judge him. Doug was telling me his life's story the way that he saw it. And I suppose that's what really matters. "Girl, you must be an ice skater." "Nope", I replied. "Than what DO you do?" he said pointing at my calves. "I'm a runner". "Cross country?" I nodded, "And track". "You a dancer too.." he said, watching my feet tap away at the station floor. "Nope" I said, "just a runner". "Believe it or not, I was a swimmer at Oakland High School. I broke records." He said. "I only got beat once... By a girl just like you in the 50 free. She became an olympic athlete."As our conversation progressed, I found that Doug seemed to have a fascination with olympic athletes. He claimed to have met all sorts of famous people at the station, especially athletes. At first I believed him, seeing as the station was located right next to the Oakland Coliseum. But after a he returned from speaking to another traveler wearing running shoes, I got an idea of what his idea of olympic athletes really was. "He ratted you out!" Doug said. "He told me you're an olympic runner!" I laughed, "I wish! No I just run in college." An expression of concern took over his face. "Hey, I'm being real with you, you can be real with me." He then turned to a girl on the next bench and said "Hey you! This girl is an olympic athlete!" It suddenly made sense that Doug could have met so many olympic athletes. Everyone who was an athlete was an olympian in his mind. "I once sat next to an olympic ice skater on the plane. I let her have the window seat..." he added thoughtfully. "She was beautiful, she broke her leg though." He looked at me. "You are a beautiful woman too. You've got to be careful when you travel. Someone gunna walk up to you like this." He walked away a few feet so that he could act out the scenario. He sauntered up to me and said in a raspy voice, "hey Ma, why don't you let me get you a drink?" Standing up straight, he went back to being Doug, "and you're going to say NO. Okay? Look at my eyes" he instructed. His dark eyes looked into mine, then flicked somewhere over my head. "See that? I'm looking at you, but I'm also aware of my surroundings." He pointed at the Amtrak train schedule screen. "Than computer tells you to be aware of your surroundings, but I'm a real live person telling you the same thing." He stared off into the distance for a minute or too. I noticed he does this a lot and I wonder what has caught his attention. Coming back to reality he explained "you have to be aware because you've gotta look out for your family. I've got your back, and I know you've got mine." He pointed at my hands "you've always gotta pay attention to the hands. See? You're hands are full so I know you can't do anything to me." The idea that he might be worried about someone like me attacking him seemed comical. But I appreciated that he considered it. "You just have to be aware" he said. "You're a beautiful woman and if I weren't such a good guy I would call down my helicopter and buy you crab cakes and a drink." I considered telling him that I didn't like crab and I wasn't old enough to drink but I decided it was irrelevant. "Nah, I'm just kidding with you. My wife would kill me." Just then, Doug's superhuman hearing alerted him to the sound of a man hurrying to the station. Even though the man was a good half mile away, Doug yelled at the top of his lungs. "Don't hurry!!!! The train is not here yet! Do not run!! Happy Friday!!" As the man rushed to the station anyway, Doug hurried off to reassure the traveler and introduce himself." The man had chartreuse glasses and sequin maroon shoes with studs. After explaining that this was his station, Doug offered to buy the man's shoes for $1,000... "just one of 'em. Are you gay?" Doug asked. "Yes I am" said the man cheerfully. Doug looked thoughtful for a moment. "Me?" he said, "I'm not really gay. I mean I like dicks... I just don't love 'em." I struggled to keep a straight face while I stared at the ground. "That reminds me.. Me and my girl? We went to the gas station to buy some food and the cashier saw I didn't have to kids. So he said 'you gay?' and I said, 'yeah I'm gay! I GAY you my money!'" Doug dissolved into laughter. Then he stared off into the distance. "That was a really great joke" he concluded "Me and my girl? We couldn't stop laughing." There were so many things to learn from Doug. To appreciate the small things in life. To let yourself laugh uncontrollably at your own dumb joke. To believe that you own the world, even if that world is just a dingy train station. Doug took responsibility for every person who wandered into his world. Although his actions weren't always helpful (confidently giving people the wrong time, or giving questionable advice to a couple with a flat tire) he inserted himself in the worlds of each of these people. I watched countless individuals look at him with judgment and distain, just as I had. But as Doug refused to let them pass through his life without marching himself into their worlds, I could see the judgement melt into understanding and respect. Doug was just like the rest of us. Just searching for his purpose and waiting for the right train.
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AuthorHey, it's Kerry:) I have 2 older sisters and they both started a blogs... so naturally (being the little sister) I joined the bandwagon. So here I am! I hope you enjoy, if not... well go find something else to do. :) Archives
June 2018
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