With the semester winding down and class registration just around the corner, I went to my professor's office for a simple advising session. Walk in, be told what classes to take, walk out. Maybe even get the reassuring chit chat about how "Yes, you will graduate. Yes, you are doing fine, and no, you probably won't drop out and end up homeless and on the streets." Instead, I came out of my meeting with an overwhelming, yet oddly refreshing, sense of uncertainty. I have gotten so comfortable with my routine (wake up, study, go to class, repeat) that two years of college have passed like the blink of an eye, and now it's time to start planning for my future! In my meeting, we talked about what career might suit my personality and interests. We discussed the importance of volunteer work, getting good grades and researching grad schools. I felt as though I had been walking along a street with my head down, looking at the pavement (which looks pretty much the same with every step) and then all of the sudden someone said, "Hey! Look where you're going!" I look up and suddenly realize there's a whole city, and now I have to decide which roads to take and where I want to end up. This sounds pretty stressful, and I guess it is, but at the same time pavement is pretty boring, and there are a lot of exciting possibilities hidden in a city.
I have a very love-hate relationship with my future. I love that there's a world of exciting opportunities awaiting me. I hate that I don't know what will happen. Life is a mystery... and I am not okay with that. I've always been one to grieve the loss of one life path when I take the other. I constantly second-guess myself, asking, "is this the option that will ensure my future happiness?" I wish life were like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, where you get to make all your choices... But then you can go back and make all different choices to see which ending tickles your fancy more. But it's not. I know that this anxiety about being happy is a pretty common one. Shoot, you could fill hundreds of libraries with all of the books written about happiness and how to attain it. "Just tidy your house, and you'll experience happiness and peace!" "Travel the world and quit your job, and happiness will be yours!" "Ditch the gluten in your life. Replace it with happiness!" While each book might have some helpful advice to offer, the truth is that if you spend your life chasing happiness, you'll never get to sit down and enjoy it. Instead of doing your best to push aside any unpleasant feeling and replace it with the ever-illusive and elusive happiness, maybe it's better to examine each emotion as it comes along and say "hello emotion, you are not making me very comfortable, but here you are!" and move on. In my experience, the harder I try to ignore my fears, anxieties, and insecurities, the more a part of my life they become. Likewise, the more I try to chase my idea of happiness, the more abstract it becomes. When your vision of happiness is something that is waiting just around the corner, you forget that it could be right there with you the whole time. Maybe happiness is waking up every morning to the smell of coffee, or knowing that no matter what decisions you make in your own little life, the sun will keep rising every morning and setting every night. Maybe happiness is looking up from the pavement and seeing the sparkling lights of your future. (Side note. I did just roll my eyes at how cheesy I am.)
2 Comments
Nathaniel Tsai
6/18/2019 09:21:02 pm
Have you read Albert Camus’s, Myth of Sisyphus or seen Richard Curtis’s, About Time? If not, I think you’d really like them. They’re great. Sometimes we just need to imagine Sisyphus happy.
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Kerry
6/18/2019 09:26:41 pm
I haven’t but I’ll definitely look into them! Thanks Nathan!
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AuthorHey, it's Kerry:) I have 2 older sisters and they both started a blogs... so naturally (being the little sister) I joined the bandwagon. So here I am! I hope you enjoy, if not... well go find something else to do. :) Archives
June 2018
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