Recently, I had a conversation with Mom. I came away with that familiar feeling which most of you can probably relate to if you've ever had a long talk with my mom. It's that "Aha!" feeling of discovering a deeper aspect of yourself that you never knew existed. It's both very liberating, and also slightly confusing. Anyhow, she got me thinking about the meaning of happiness and all that groovy shit. I was telling her about how my relationship with the world totally changes depending on how thick my emotional cushion is. The happier I am, the thicker my cushion is. If I feel like I'm in a good and stable stage of life, I can easily handle the negativity around me, and I barely notice the small upsets that happen everyday. In contrast, when I'm in an uncertain or bad place in life, my cushion is worn thin. I get upset over things that would ordinarily never have caught my attention. The sound of someone chewing can get me so aggravated that I have to leave the room. In these moments, part of me (most of me) knows that I'm being completely irrational, and I need to take a step back and calm down, but I suppose that's easier said than done. Sometimes, when I get like this, I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside. I think, "Kerry what are you doing? Why are you mad at mom even though you're the one who broke her waffle iron? You're being irrational, Buddy." But still, the beast inside of me stomps around and revels in its irrational anger.
Most of the time, I know what would make me feel better. I have all the tools to get out of the pit of despair. Going on a run, eating healthy food, drawing, or making music. But in the moments when I need these things the most, I refuse to use them. In my current happy mindset, this confuses me. Why would I refuse to do something that I know will make me happier? Well, I think I've figured it out. When I'm down, I don't want to do the things that I love because I'm afraid that they won't make me feel better. Maybe some part of me thinks that I'll ruin the things I love by exposing them to my bad mood. Maybe I'm afraid that if I actually try to make myself feel better and I fail, I'll have to give up some sense of control. It's intimidating to feel like I don't have power over my own emotions, so embracing whatever emotion comes along allows me to feel like I'm still in control. Anyway, all of this may seem obvious, and the shifting relationship we have with the world around us may be a fairly universal experience. I know that I haven't discovered the wheel here, but I have discovered something about myself. It was an interesting thing to think about, so of course, I've got to write about it too. At the moment, I would say my cushion is thick, and I'm in a good place. In my current emotional state, I picture my relationship with the world like this: the little disappointments or annoyances are sticks and leaves; I am a rock, and life is a river. I'm planted securely in place, and life simply carries away the debris without any big impact on me. However, I am not always a rock, and my troubles are not always debris. In the past, I've resembled more of a sandcastle. I seem pretty stable, but as soon as a wave reaches me, I begin to melt away. Mom said something that reminded me to accept that I won't always feel like a rock, and I won't always feel like a sandcastle. Life may not change all that much, but I will definitely change over and over again. Mom loves the quote, "there will be a time after this." I guess it all comes down to that. No matter what happens in life, and whether you feel like a rock or a sandcastle, time will always pass.
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AuthorHey, it's Kerry:) I have 2 older sisters and they both started a blogs... so naturally (being the little sister) I joined the bandwagon. So here I am! I hope you enjoy, if not... well go find something else to do. :) Archives
June 2018
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