I'm a big planner. I'm much better at planning than actually following through with things. I have stacks of notebooks devoted to lists. Even when I was little I was a list maker. I would make detailed lists about what I was going to do that day all the way down to brushing my teeth and putting on my shoes. The truth is, all this planning has worn me out. Now is the time to let go and let life happen. I've found that over-planning is the culprit of many disappointments in my life. I plan every detail so meticulously that when things don't work out exactly as I expected, I sometimes feel cheated. Generally I think of myself as a very "go with the flow" person, but I'm coming to see that part of me is obsessed with control over my future. The problem is that no one has total control over what is going to happen in their lives. Lately I've found myself faced with choices and choosing not to make any choice at all because if I don't choose any of them, then at least I know exactly how the situation will turn out. I never used to feel that way. I was pretty good at diving in and not looking back. But as the decisions I have to make get more serious, I become ever more cautious.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about the future. Making the decision to come back home and go to school locally took a lot of thinking. That choice was a pretty big step considering my recently developed phobia of making decisions, and I have to say, it felt pretty good. As soon as I realized that I was unhappy and that living at home was an option, a weight was lifted from my heart. But at the same time, it was undoubtably scary. All my life I had been planning to go away, to live in a dorm, to make great friends, and to be independent. I watched my siblings leave home as teenagers and come back as adults. I thought that going away to college was what made you grow up. A friend of mine recently reminded me that time is what makes you grow up, not where you live... Even though it seems obvious, that advice really stuck with me. I mean, it's true huh? It's the unexpected events that make you grow up, those accidents where you have to mature a little bit so that you can handle the situation. Life will happen no matter where you are. Anyway, all this is to say that my goal for this time around is to have fewer expectations. I want to live life and grow up without constantly assessing my situation. I want to be happy when I'm happy and sad when I'm sad. I don't want to continually overanalyze every emotion that crosses my path (because there are a lot). It'll be hard, but luckily I have my whole life to learn how to do it. Here's to new beginnings.
2 Comments
NT
11/12/2017 08:31:32 pm
“Lean into it. The outcome doesn’t matter so much. What matters is that you’re there for it. Whatever “it” is, good or bad.” You’re going to be fine Kerry. Best of luck on your way - I look forward to reading about it.
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Kerry
11/12/2017 08:33:12 pm
Thank you very much:)
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AuthorHey, it's Kerry:) I have 2 older sisters and they both started a blogs... so naturally (being the little sister) I joined the bandwagon. So here I am! I hope you enjoy, if not... well go find something else to do. :) Archives
June 2018
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